The 'things' of the world get in the way. The needs and desires of others, the 'happenings' around you, they suck the creativity out of you if you are not careful. Not intentionally, but it happens. Your mind is focused and connected with what needs to be done next. Your emotions are hijacked by the emotions of others, known to you, or not. The sadness of the world engulfs the heart of an empathetic person like me. I have to be careful of that.
The words don't come, and if they do, they may not be the words you really want to write. Sometimes perhaps they are what may need to be written. Sometimes they may just be emotional pouring out, and not particularly interesting for anyone else to read. Sometimes they may be your own woes and troubles, again, not interesting for anyone else particularly. Should you write something that may be hurtful or demeaning to another person. Why, what would be gained? All too often, with the worlds latest craze - Social Media - things are written in a moment, with far reaching ramifications. What if you want to vent, and the person deserves it? Yes, but what if it also hurts others not directly connected. So my answer is no, something that is hurtful or demeaning to someone else should not be written, or at least, not published.
My mind has been taken up recently with the troubles of the world and my time taken up with the day to day needs of my life choices, keeping the wheels turning. We all have those times. I've certainly had plenty. I've had, to say the least, an eventful life.
So here I am, one day from the big 60. That date, 28 July, that marks 60 years from the day of my birth and 60 days since I decided to take the plunge and try this blogging thing.
Not much has changed but a few things have dawned on me.
You can't force writing:
You have to let it come to you. If you try to force it, it will most likely be empty and false.
You cannot expect too much of people:
For example, M.O.T.H., just this morning, after I explained that I would be winning the Lotto tomorrow because people always win the Lotto on their birthdays, exclaims.... "Oh yeah, that's right, its your birthday tomorrow". He'd forgotten already...again.
And the big one... I'm not sure who I am:
Not, who does my husband think I am; or even my children; my mother; or my small social circle; but me, who do I think I am? Am I different things to different people? Am I all I can be? Am I who I would like to be? Am I doing what I want to be doing? Am I afraid to explore these questions? Or am I completely satisfied with everything in me, and in my life?
So, I start bucket list. A real bucket list. One that I actually take on board and think about what I really, really want to do. One that I actually make the effort to achieve. There's the usual; lose 10 kg for vanity sake; start walking for hearts sake; spend a day at the beach every month for soul's sake; learn the guitar & take more photos for creativity sake ...... and, I'm stuck. I don't want to jump out of a plane; or climb mountains or visit the pyramids; but come on Catherine, there must be something!You see, if often seems like my own needs and desires are just out of reach; I can't see them; I can't materialise them; or probably more accurately, I don't really have many. Now, is that because I am so happy and fulfilled that there is little else I want or need in life, which I think is mostly true, or is it because since an early age I have focused my energies on fulfilling the needs and desires of others and have not developed my own interests or allowed myself the luxury of exploring the possibilities? Not complaining mind you, I've had a fulfilling and blessed life. I just don't seem to have explored what I might want or enjoy as just me, Cathie Dawn. So maybe, it's time.
I wonder if other women who have spent their lives happily travelling along life's road suddenly wake up one morning and, now, seeing their children grown adults going about their own lives, decide to ask the question... who am I? I know, they call it the 'empty nest' and I'm sure there's a thousand books I could read, but with my baby about to turn 30 I think I went through the empty nest syndrome about 10 years ago. And although my nest keeps refilling, I think it's more than that. The empty nest syndrome says to me that you are feeling the loss of having children to do things for, well that doesn't really apply here. No, It's more about discovering myself.
Again, don't get me wrong, it's not about the past, my past has been fortunate and filled with love; it's about the future. Who am I now? What do I want for my future? It is a huge question. One I can't answer yet.
I will probably keep blogging, irregularly, if you are interested in hanging around, please do so, and we will see where we go from here. If not, I thank you and release you, with love.
Maybe this is as good as it gets; and, if so, that's pretty damn good. If I left the earth now, I would leave it knowing I had done all I could within the realms of my reality and leave in my place four magnificent human beings to enrich the world.
However, I feel like there is more to come, something is calling. I need to go deeper.
Perhaps I'll rent that cottage by the sea and finish my Novel.
And dogs, there'll always be dogs...... and sewing.
* Pics of me, just because I can :) :)
